Soapbox Shout #1

I’m stepping up on my soapbox today.  It’s not a big one because it’s not like this is on the Huffington Post website but it’ll still make me feel better.

Ok, here goes.  Single moms are targets of hate and shame every day.  Myopic politicians and ignorant masses criticize them for everything from giving birth in the first place to the crime rate in this country.  Republican representatives John Cavaletto and Keith Wheeler of Illinois proposed a bill stating that if a father is not listed on a newborn child’s birth certificate, the birth certificate will not be issued for the child and any future financial assistance will be denied.  The bill was withdrawn after public outcry, but the fact it even came up is indicative of a huge problem in our country and needs to be addressed.

I’m sure we can all agree that it is fucked up on many levels.  I’m saying all because if you don’t agree, please stop reading my blog – you won’t like what I have to say.  These are the same people who against abortion.  That whole paradox of we don’t want you to have birth control and/or abortion but once the baby is born, you both can go to hell comes up of course.  Just erase the child if you’re not “pure.” There are cases of rape and incest (which is not slut shaming, just single mom shaming).  Then there are cases of prostitutes and one night stands.  That is where they try to use the shame women agenda.  God forbid women enjoy sex or need to make a living (I am for legalized prostitution like in Amsterdam).

As a single mother by choice, I am going to take this a bit further.  The idea that a single woman can make a positive choice to have a child on her own and financially support him or her and provide a good life is not even considered by these backwards numbnuts.  Should the woman have put sperm vial #33 on the birth certificate if this offensive bill did pass?  Or maybe write in John Cavaletto or Keith Wheeler as the daddy?

Here’s a story for you. I know another single mom by choice who is a successful business woman.  She gave birth right here in Colorado and they sent a social worker into her room to see if she needed to go on TANF or needed social services for support.  Right away! Just assumed she would be unable to take care of her new child.   I find that pretty obnoxious.

As I mentioned, thankfully the bill was dead in the water.  On the other hand,  a bill that would deny citizenship to children born to single moms is pretty disparaging. Honestly, it goes to show in this country for women it really is one step forward two steps back.  I hope these types of politicians  take a large step forward  – off the edge of a very steep cliff.10398719_5578024171_411_n

My daughter and I – I have managed to keep her alive for more than nine years now.  Look – I even feed her!

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Confession #9

I loooooove discounts! Some say it’s because I’m Jewish.  I even had a former boyfriend ask me if it’s genetic because of my Jewish roots. (He was being serious and also thought the Amish were Jewish).  While I laughed at the time he asked me, I have to admit it is probably my mother’s influence.  She started a business in 1975 selling other people’s used goods when they were planning to move – she became the garage sale queen of Bergen County, New Jersey.  I not only got my older sister’s hand me downs but also those of strangers.

I don’t really believe the hype that it’s a Jewish thing.  I think goyim (Christians) like discounts too.  It’s not like they would go into a store and offer to pay full price for something that is on sale.  We just got a rep for it from a rumor Hitler started.

I do get a bit of high though when I feel like I came away with something I like for a bargain (pronounced bah-gahn). Maybe I get carried away with that feeling more than some other people.  A couple of my friends recently went to the Arc and were asked if they wanted the senior discount.  They are not yet seniors and were extremely insulted.  I was with one of them when it happened and I thought he was going to shove his used sweater down the cashier’s throat.  My girlfriend told me about it and she had a hissy fit.

I would be elated if offered the senior discount at the thrift store.  Obviously, not because I am happy to look old.  But that is a friggin’ BARGAIN ON TOP OF A BARGAIN!!! Overlook the aging process and think about the additional savings, for Jesus’s sake.  Their experiences sparked me to try for my own senior discount.  The cashier didn’t buy it though – so I whipped out my military I.D. and got the military discount. Heck yea, I married a vet.  When they say thank you for your service, I say you’re welcome.  Because I service my husband.

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I look really hot in the dress, I know – guess what – it’s second hand!

Confession #8

About 13 or 14 years ago, before #online dating became something you could admit to doing, I went on match.com (because it was free at the time) and met a bunch of shmucks (some I slept with), ugly guys (who hid half their face in their profile pic) and nice but boring guys that wasted my time.  Over the course of a few months and after telling myself I was having a good time getting free dinners, I would begin to feel hopeless and take my profile down (I was probably on two or three or maybe four or five sites throughout the years).  I needed a break.  Then I would get bored/horny/hopeful and activate my account(s) again and go through another cycle of one or two night stands, the occasional 4-6 week relationship and of course free dinners.

I realized online dating is one of the most masochistic things we do.  Yes, a lot of people do find significant others online, but a high percentage just email people they know they’ll never actually meet.  It almost sounds like an addiction – it feels good for while, then it feels like a compulsion while you complain about it to your girlfriends and then you need to take a break from cheap guys and fat chicks.

One of the odder moments of online dating is when a guy friend would find me on a site and email me through the site.  Can’t he just text me? Every guy friend would ask the same question too- so, how’s the dating going?  The answer was – it sucks.  And if you were attractive, I’d be dating you.14837259957_f23eb9b8b3_z

 

 

 

Confession #7

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One of my girlfriend’s forced me to have a bachelorette party.  Not that I didn’t appreciate the sentiment. It’s just that I got married at the ripe old age of 44.  I made it past 40 without having been married – putting me in the issued outs* category and I read somewhere after the age of 40, a woman has a .013% chance of ever getting married (I made up that number but it’s probably close to true).

I envisioned bachelorette parties designed for dewy skinned, childless, doe eyed 20 something year old girls who still liked going to crowded bars and getting shit-faced (to clarify – I still like getting shit-faced, just not at crowded bars – to further clarify, I prefer getting stoned to getting shit-faced).  Not only did I feel like I was oddly old for a first marriage (weird to say first as if there might be a few more) but I was downright geriatric for a bachelorette party.

When I picture the bride to be at her bachelorette party, I see a drunk 22  year old stumbling from bar to bar in high heels and a frilly dress, wearing a tiara and a sash.  I left the princess stage at about age 6 and since then have not worn a tiara.  I never was one for beauty pageants either and have never had a desire to wear a pink sash.

So I made it very clear to my lovely friend that if I agree to this youngster shindig, there were not to be any tiaras, sashes, dick straws, sex toys or muscle inflated male strippers.  She agreed.  She lied. (except about the guys dancing around – I find male strippers look too much like caricatures of hyper masculinity and find nothing sexy about that).

I must admit that after about 3 drinks I actually had fun with the dick straw and defiling the stripper cake (see incriminating photos).  It was flattering to see how much my friends cared about showing me a good time (affirmation people like me is always a good thing).  And because the celebration was in my honor, I got to get shit-faced and not be a designated driver.

*An article I wrote in my early 30’s before I was considered weird for not being married by the age of 40
The “Issued Outs”

“He’s got that nervous look in his eye,” she said.
“You know, that issued out look.”  That was my friend
Jessie pointing out a man standing across from us in a
bar at the Jersey shore.  I asked her to explain it
more.  She told me it was a little shifty, like he
wanted to approach a woman there but something was
holding him back.

Sometimes the men do approach you.  Sometimes they
even ask for your phone number.  But that’s as far as
it goes.  It’s like guys on internet dating sites who
you exchange several emails with but when the topic of
actually having a phone conversation comes up they
suddenly vanish.  It makes you wonder what they’re up
to.

In my circle of friends we often use the term “issued
out.”  We’ve all come to understand what it means.
Men with emotional baggage that prevents them from
entering into a relationship wholeheartedly.  Often,
issued out men find something wrong with you after the
first date, like your eyebrows are a little unevenly
tweezed.  Another sign of the issued out man is his
fear of calling you when he says he will.  Well, in
that case add inconsiderate.

Sometimes there are clear warning signals that the man
you’ve met is issued out.  The most obvious – over the
age of 40 and never been married.  Other times, the
red flags may seem orange at first.  Take the man who
seems to be so into you initially, he’s already
planning next year’s vacation together to Cancun.
While you’re starting to think this could be the one,
he’s already got one foot out the door.  Then there
are the ones with the odd lifestyles, for example,
still living at home (even though there are no ill
parents there) at age 45.

Yet another sure sign of the issued out man is the one
who gets pickier as he grows older – especially about
looks.  Even though he’s balding and his six pack abs
have turned into a beer ball, he still believes he’ll
get the 28 year old Molly Sims look-alike.  Clue to
issued out man – unless you have the money of Trump or
the power of George W. – forget it.

At that same bar a few weeks earlier, Jessie’s friend
was approached by a man she considered to be issued
out.  At first, her friend was polite to the man,
telling him he looked 35 when he asked her to guess
his age.  But quickly her graciousness turned into
animosity when she got tired of dealing with the
issued outs.  She told him she was only being nice
when she said 35 and he really looked 42.  She asked
him if he really thought he had a chance with a young
attractive woman like herself.  She berated him for
probably going out with several nice women in his past
and dropping them like hot cakes in his quest to find
someone “better.”  Finally, she reminded him he was
alone in a bar trying to pick up young women when he
might as well accept he’d most likely end up alone
because his issues prevent him from having a
meaningful relationship.

Wow.  Quite the tirade.  Jessie and I agreed we
probably would not have done the same although we
might have been thinking it.  Why make the guy feel
like more of a loser than he already does?

And after all those years in the dating rat race it’s
normal to have some issues.  We all do.  We’ve just
got to learn how to deal with them.

I’m sure the men out there can write comparable notes
about the issued out women they’ve encountered.
Perhaps while we’re avoiding the issued out men
standing in the corner sipping their beer, they’re
sizing up the women with a little too much carry on
baggage reapplying their lipstick.

Confession #6

As I got older, the dating pool really changed. When I was dating a guy while in my 20’s, before having sex I would wonder what kind of sex will it be 1) the romantic puts his hands on my face while kissing me kind or 2) the fuck the shit out of me sex or 3) the awkward but this could get better sex.

In my 40’s, I wondered if the sex would be 1) can this guy get it up. That’s a win. A little longer refractory period but he can still get it up. 2) he can get a chubby and get it inside but is it worth it? 3) he did coke and whiskey all night long and we’re just gonna cuddle which is ok because I like to sleep.ed-vacuum-pump2

Confession #5

The Fubra Infomercial

When you reach your 40’s, one of the few pleasures in life is eating. Which is ironic since it’s harder to lose weight after 40. Metabolism is wasted on the young.

In my 20’s I cold eat as much as I wanted and not gain a pound.  But I was not interested in eating so much and I was exercising like a fiend – I was kind of a born again jock back then.

What sucks is I still care about how I look so I’m too vain to do what I really want to do – eat as much fat and sugar as I want and not exercise.  So I would have to say that there is something I look forward to when I reach, oh probably age 60 – eating as much as and whatever I want.  True, it will clog my arteries and cause other health problems but at least I won’t avoid looking in the mirror. In fact, I may just remove all the mirrors in my house.