Confession #20 (really 21 but I put an actual title on my last blog post)

I miss the days when I had the luxury of having a nervous breakdown.  B.C. (Before Child), I could spend an entire weekend in bed sleeping, wallowing in misery and whining to my girlfriends on the phone.  Usually these breakdowns happened after some schmuck I thought was the love of my life dumped me.  Some of them didn’t even have the balls to dump me – they just disappeared – or as the kids say today – ghosted me.  I think that’s how they say it.

Once you become a mom, losing your shit isn’t possible.  Because even though you hardly feel like taking care of yourself, you’re responsible for someone else’s life.  It’s not like the beta fish that died after 9 months because I didn’t do a good job of cleaning it’s jar-like aquarium.  This is the life that you go to jail for if you neglect it.


Ah, the good ol’ days


As a single mom, you don’t even have the back up of a partner to allow you to cry in the bathtub.  Sure, you can do that while your kid is asleep – but then you are bleary eyed and tired the next day and…guess what – you’ve gotta feed, drive around, pick up from school, go over homework, read a bedtime story and all the other mom duties.  Whatever is making you a basket case doesn’t matter.  Not only do you have to perform the routine tasks, you have to exude concern and love while you do them.

The enormity of being a single mom makes keeping your shit together during a crisis all that much harder.  If you get fired and you don’t have a kid, it sucks and you can go out with your friends and drink wine until you pass out.  If you’re a single mom, you can hire a babysitter and drink yourself silly but all the while in the back of your head you’re thinking “I gotta get up when my kid gets up and she is not gonna care about my hangover.”

I suppose one of the good things about being a single mom is that you quickly learn what is worth worrying about.  I’m not saying I don’t worry about everything anymore – I’m Jewish, it’s in my DNA.  I just mean I can more evaluate what is really a crisis and what isn’t.  The guy I dated for six weeks in my early 30’s from who I convinced myself was the last man I would date and then kicked me to the curb sent me into a spiral of depression and landed me on Wellbutrin.  That would never have happened after my daughter was born.

Now that I’m married, I do get the occasional opportunity to hide in the bathroom or take a 20 minute walk around the block.  But I don’t get the extravagance of a full blown meltdown. My husband may disagree with that but that is just because he doesn’t have the flair for drama that I have.





I wrote my first short story at 7 years old.  It was a murder mystery solved by a female detective.  I think it was Scooby Doo-ish and I added illustrations at the end which were just a bit more sophisticated than stick figures.  I remember my mom dragged me to the mall to go shopping while I was in the middle of writing it and I lagged behind her with my paper and pencil trying to write about a “cleverly” disguised ghost as she tried on clothing.  This wasn’t for a school assignment – it was strictly for my own enjoyment.  I continued writing stories throughout elementary and middle school.  I tried my hand at poetry in high school but for the most part sucked at it.  I did get one into the Scarlet Letters, the poetry club magazine that only members of the poetry club and high school newspaper read (they consisted of the same people).

I think the best poem I wrote was in 4th grade about Mr. Bill from Saturday Night Live: There once was poor Mr. Bill, who everyone liked to kill, though he would beg, they’d break off his leg and grind his poor arm in the mill.

Fast forward to my mid 30’s when I was visiting friends down at the Jersey shore for a few days and six of us were bunking in a cheap hotel room.  I brought my Panasonic camcorder with me and started filming my friends in various states of undress as we got ready to go out clubbing.  My friends began to shimmy and shake in their towels and undies and I was yelling out “It’s middle aged women gone wild!”  Needless to say a few of them were offended but an idea was born and I knew that one day I would make an epic parody of Girls Gone Wild.

Fast forward again to my early 40’s when I joined a social networking group focused on filmmaking.  Fortunately, the leader of the group agreed to shoot a series of raunchy/funny and I’ve been told disturbing scenes that came together to bring my dream of Middle Aged Women Gone Wild to fruition.  I didn’t own an HD camera but I owned some wacky ideas that have become a bunch of short comedy videos on my YouTube channel called Mile High Nancy.


(This is a photo of me shooting a scene in my web series Mile High Nancy in which my daughter pretends to inhale from a helium balloon with the pretense of it being like a joint – I may not be mother of the year but I’m not going to jail.)

I call filmmaking the hardship to which I’m addicted.  I’ve worked with shitty camera people, had actors bail on me at the last minute, busted my ass to find locations like bars and offices that would allow me to shoot there and pulled out my hair while editing.  I’ve raised my blood pressure while trying to direct and act at the same time.  I’ve made no money making comedy videos and they only way they’ll go viral is if my computer gets hacked.  But I can’t seem to stop no matter how painful it gets.  That’s why I call it an addiction.  Sometimes it’s not even fun.  But if I don’t do it I go through creative withdrawal.

I tell myself it would be easier to convey my stories through writing a novel so I would’t have to worry about lighting, sound, actors, locations, etc…But I’m too lazy or unfocused to do that. In fact,  I’m spacing out right now while writing this blog post.

I love seeing the ideas from my head become reality in video.  I like hearing people laugh at something I wrote.  And somehow in most of my videos, I get to do a bedroom scene with a young good-looking guy (wink wink).  So until my warped brain stops streaming images connected to stories, I’m stuck with this needle in my arm.





Confession #19

I’ve waited a long time to write about being a single mother by choice.  Yea, my web series, Mile High Nancy, is about a single mother by choice but I do take fictional creative liberties there.  I also joked about it while doing stand up comedy, saying my eggs were rotting,  referring to the turkey baster method of insemination and how I found the sperm on Craigslist because I was too cheap to buy it from a sperm bank.


The truth is, I did really find the sperm donor through a Craigslist ad I posted.  I’m not the only woman to do this as fucked up as it seems to me now.  The difference between me and I’m sure all the other desperate over 35 year old women who put up ads is that I agreed to let the donor be a part of my child’s life.  Like a real father.  I was too scared to be a single mother by choice on my own for two reasons – psychologically and financially.  While I support women being SMC’s wholeheartedly, I realized soon after my daughter was born that  if your mindset and bank account are not firmly established, working towards those goals is better than getting knocked up by a vial of sperm from guy on Craigslist.

I won’t get into all the details leading up to the actual birth but as time went on and my uterus grew I started wondering about the mental health of this guy.  By the fifth month I could hardly breathe with the baby pushing on my diaphragm but I wonder if part of the suffocation stemmed from a feeling of dread as I got to know him better.  I did wait more than a year of getting to know him before actually going through with it.  But the first year was like getting to know Dr Jekyll and after getting pregnant it was like getting to know Mr. Hyde.  Control freak and passive aggressive are putting it mildly.

I actually lived with him for about three months – half while pregnant and the other half after she was born.  I left (more like I escaped) when she was six weeks old because I couldn’t deal with his rules and regulations and his almost violent outbursts.  The plan was I would live there for one year but I couldn’t deal with his control issues.  Before she was born he told me he would pay for my expenses while I lived with him – after she was born he wanted an itemized list of where the money went.

After I moved out, we went through a custody battle.  We were never married but got to experience the hell of divorce.  I felt like I was sinking – I was in the ocean holding onto a floating raft with my baby girl in one hand and he was standing on the raft stomping on the hand that was holding on for dear life.  I was scared shitless.

During the past several years he’s used his money/child support as a tool to manipulate and bully me.  I’m in a different situation and place in my life now and so he can’t dangle that carrot anymore.

I’m not writing this to demonize him believe it or not. I’m writing this because one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is that when you rely on someone for financial reasons you give up your freedom.  I relied on my father for a long time to help me out financially as well and then when that ship sailed I jumped onto something that looked like a luxury cruise line and ended up being the Titanic.

I do take responsibility for not either believing in myself to do this fully on my own or simply waiting and taking the steps to be financially independent.  And if I did make the decision to do it 100% alone I would have preferred to live in a ditch with my child than deal with being strong-armed and harassed.  I admit making a decent living before getting pregnant would probably have been the better choice.

This post is only a snippet of the fear, depression, and general rollercoaster of emotions I rode for a few years after having her (and still do for a variety of other reasons).  As cliche as this sounds, my hope is my daughter grows up to be independent and finds a loving relationship and partner but does not become dependent on anyone.  I used to joke with her it’s just as easy to love a rich man as it is a poor one (yes, I’m turning into my mother but that’s another post), but now I tell her to become a petroleum engineer.. or any kind of engineer.  Of course I would love to see her marry a multi-millionaire.  But if he didn’t treat her well, I would love her to be able to walk away from him with ease and never look back.





Confession #18

Today my mom reminded me that in just a few years I’ll be old enough to own a home in her retirement community.  As I get older, I admit there are some things I need to be reminded of – like where I left my keys.  I may seem paranoid, but her comment seemed more like a cheap shot than a helpful reminder.

My mother (originally from Brooklyn), moved to Arizona (which currently feels like a large-scale sauna) 13 years ago to escape the cold weather.  She moved into a retirement community with one of her husbands (she’s a widow of three if you count the one that died after they had the marriage annulled and a divorcee of one – I have to admit, she’s done well for herself.)

Presently, I don’t like retirement community living because the pool has restrictions on times when children can go swimming and I am here with my 9 year old daughter.  I’m sure when she’s 18 and I don’t have to worry about it, I’ll be happy they have restrictions on times when children can go swimming.

From my observations and the conversations I have with my mom, living in one of these villages is akin to being in high school until you die or end up in an assisted living facility (which will hopefully be like being in a bar).  Every year, she has a new best friend.  Out with the old, in with the new old.  This year Ginny is her bestie.  When I ask her what happened to the other throw aways, she shakes her head and mentions something about either not inviting her to a party they had or cheating at mahjong.

It’s tough keeping up with the cliques in her neighborhood.  I visit once a year (vowing each time to never go back) and see her friends at lunch or dinner parties I tell her not to have in my honor.  “Hey, why isn’t Sue here?” I asked one year.  “Oh, she turned out to be crazy.” One of her best friends she kept for more than a year dropped her to hang out with some of the cooler kids who had nicer handbags and red hats that looked better with their purple dresses.


I also get to hear her friends talk about boys.  For the women who are widowed or whose husbands have Alzheimer’s, there’s a lot of talk about online dating and much too much open discussion about getting screwed (I wish they would still treat me like a child sometimes and not speak of inappropriate topics in front of me).  I picture their version of getting screwed means holding hands.  I don’t want to picture anything beyond that or I will throw up.

Of course, they also talk a lot about doing drugs.  Most are not the fun kind but occasionally there is a Percocet or Vicodin thrown in.

So far the only thing I haven’t seen them do in high school like fashion is have fist fights -which is probably the one thing I wouldn’t mind seeing.

Golden Girls



Confession #17

As a young teen in the early 80’s, I was blessed to have a father who trusted my judgement when hanging out with my friends. I felt lucky that he was naive and gullible as well. You see, he would actually drive me to the roller rink where I would hang out with a bunch of trouble making burn outs. My typical outfit was red spandex pants and a black sequin tube top. I skipped the FM pumps and opted for black suede ankle boots as I’ve never been able to pull off high heels without wobbling like a newborn giraffe.

When he picked me up at 11 or 11:30 (whenever my curfew was at that age on a Saturday night) and I was reeking of cigarette smoke, he believed me when I told him the other kids were smoking and we bemoaned the smell and health effects together. It was a rare night if someone scored beer or wine coolers but if we did, we were sure to load up on the breath mints.

Most of the time I did stay out of trouble, because I was pretty good kid. Usually I would skate around in circles to Judas Priest and Iron Maiden songs and stand in the back while my tough girlfriends postured and pumped themselves up to start fights with their rivals. It was like white suburban teenage girl Jets vs. Sharks with heavy metal songs in the background instead of show tunes.

So, I wasn’t a thug – but I was all in when it came to smoking weed and noticing boys. The weed was dirt dime bags from Harlem and I suspect oregano half the time. I say noticing boys because I was too scared to approach or flirt with them. Plus, I wasn’t really cool like the other girls that went to the trade tech high school. I was a mostly “A” student geek who wrote for the school literary magazine and at one point was a member of the chemistry club (strictly for high school transcript purposes, though).

I did a have a brief fling with a skinny blonde boy that was a straggler just like me. Both of us outsiders trying to fit in with the cool kids. My goal was make out with a guy and get a hickey on my neck. At 13 and 14, a hickey was a sign of approaching the big leagues. If the hickey was on your neck it meant someone else gave it to you – no faking it like if you gave yourself one on your arm which we did to practice creating the perfect black and blue mark.

My innocence lost moment was when Dave (I have no idea if that was blondie’s name but it’s generic so maybe it was) gave me my first hickey. I pretended to hide it from my friends and then would flip my hair back as if in a forgetful split second. Then feigning embarrassment, announce “oh my God, is my hickey noticeable?” I was so totally cool.

Until the next day as I stood in front of my bathroom mirror brushing my hair and my dad walked in. At that moment I was truly forgetful and he saw the symbol of my coming of age. An inch of a bruise on the side of my neck. My red hot skin tight pants and barely there shirts were fine – but a hickey was where he drew the line.

He called for my mother to come into the bathroom. “Do you see that?!!!” He turned to me. “You’re a slut!” That stung. What I thought would impress my pseudo-friends was shameful to my father. I wasn’t really a slut (that didn’t happen until college and by then I was sophisticated enough to take ownership of it). All I could say back was “I’m still a good girl!” I wavered between being a child and a young adult depending on the company.


Pre-slut photo

The appeal of showing off a hickey died that day. I avoided “Dave” the next time I saw him. Eventually, I stopped hanging out with the group of wannabe hoodlums (well, some of them really were hoodlums) that didn’t care if I was around anyway.

That hickey incident was the closest thing to a sex education discussion either one of my parents had with me. I had a healthy fear of sex that seems to have disappeared in young teens of today (I’m sorry if I sound like the church lady from SNL). I experimented and made out with boys, but sex was scary enough that I’m happy to report I waited until my late teens to try it with a serious boyfriend (in my bedroom while my dad was downstairs in the den).

Confession #16


It’s that time of hour again…more rocks of wisdom rolling over the hill. I will point out some tell-tale signs that you aren’t outrunning the aging process (hey, just being an honest friend). Of course, I will also provide you with up to the minute scientific facts on how you are or should be dealing with situations you’ll face in mid-life.

You’re welcome.

1. You can tell how old a person is by how he or she walks down an icy driveway. While my 9 year old daughter runs and slides down icy driveways and as I attempt my Jewish helicopter parenting yelling “slow down, you’ll fall and break your head open!,” I’m unable to catch up to her because I’m too scared of breaking my hip. 20 somethings walk casually in normal speed. 30 somethings are bit more cautious but are willing to let a foot slip here and there. After 40, you will side step down an icy driveway while using your child as a crutch.

2. My husband is a bit of a jealous guy. I’m not supposed to talk about previous sexual experiences with him and he certainly does not want to meet anyone I’ve ever had sex with. However, I got married after the age of 40 and Denver is a small world. If you’re anything like me and count it as a miracle that you haven’t had an HPV infection, it’s inevitable you’re significant other is going to look at someone who’s had sex with you.

3. If you’re under 30 you probably have not seen women with bushy pubes. The linoleum floor look started in the late 80’s. Maybe it’s connected to the big hair bands going out of fashion. But I suspect one asshole lady shaved it all off and ruined it for the rest of us. If you’re nostalgic for the carefree days when you could donate your frizz to Locks of Love, you’re middle aged.

4. Another tell-tale sign you’re getting older is you’ve given up on being a sugarbaby and now you’re an aspiring housewife. There is no shame in this. We are still feminists like back in college. We’ve just worked long enough to know working sucks.

5. I will end on an upbeat note. No matter how old you get, EVERY time you bend over, your husband will simulate doggie style. You’re Pavlov.

I know you are waiting with bated breath for my next set of introspective and absolutely scientifically proven rocks of wisdom. But first I need a glass of wine and a nap.

Confession #15 – This Trump Shit is Serious

As you can see I added a sub-headline to my blog post.  That means I’m serious about something.  Like most other sane people I get it when they tell me if Trump becomes president, they’re moving to Canada. But this isn’t about how racist, sexist or xenophobic he is or how, in my expert opinion, he has narcissistic personality disorder.  This is way more personal.

Now that my daughter is 9 years old, I though it would be great to give her a civics lesson with a real-time presidential election brewing. A year ago when the presidential hopefuls started coming forward, I encouraged her to watch the news to see some of the discourse and learn about primaries and campaigning.

Trump has risen to the top because of supporters who are sick of the establishment. Unfortunately, they also revel in name calling and fear mongering and get off on fist fights and screaming matches.  I read an article that says Trump supporters are authoritarians – people that like to follow leaders like Hitler.  I believe that to be true, but I also believe they are into violence.  There were many scuffles and several bloodied protestors at Trump rallies – this shit is exciting.  They’re bored.  Going to a rally to get into or see a brawl is something else to do besides meth.

Trump or meth

With the t.v. on news programs and the NPR I listen to on the radio in the car, my daughter has gotten an earful of  insults, name calling and discussions about issues not exactly presidential such as Trump bragging about his HUGE hands.  “Mommy, why does it matter if he has huge hands?”  Well, my dear, dick measuring was not an issue I was expecting to hear in a political debate.

Trump isn’t the only perpetrator of vicious attacks on issues that really don’t matter, such as how their wives look, but he is an instigator in 99.9% of them (I’ve done high level statistical calculations on this).  So it’s really hard to tell my daughter these are the people we should look up to – these are our prospective leaders based on their integrity, respect for others and concern for the citizens of this country.  OK, maybe some of you are snickering now since most politicians have proven the opposite of those traits but my daughter is 9 and I’m trying to show her how things are SUPPOSED to be.

I’m embarrassed by these fake adults behaving like kids on the playground.  I’ll have to tell her it’s like when one of the boys at school calls her Jackie McFartsAlot.  Our political candidates have sunk to new lows.

On the other hand, if I emphasize it enough, it is a good lesson on how NOT to conduct yourself during an election as a candidate.  Plus, I was able to contrast the Republican debates with the Democratic ones so she could see respectful dialogues are possible.  In the first few debates, Democrats were able to keep their discussions civil and focused on important issues such as the economy, race relations and job creation.  At least I can point out to her the Democrats stuck to the issues that matter while the Republicans acted like a bunch of boxers talking smack.

Confession #14

A few years ago at a 4th of July party when I was still single, I met a guy who looked relatively cute and who was the only guy there without a wedding ring. After being single for more than 40 years (this includes my childhood) I could scope out guys like a ninja. We stood next to each other admiring Independence Day chalk art and struck up a conversation.  He asked if I had any kids and I told him yes and she with with her dad for the weekend (including the weekend part so he understood it was a parenting time arrangement). He told me his three kids, ages 2, 4 and 6 were with their mom.  I said how nice and politely excused myself to use the bathroom.  And to never talk to him again.

I’ve heard of single moms who only want to date single dads.  I am not part of that crowd.  It may seem like a double standard, but I was never a big fan of dating guys with kids.  Both before having my child and especially after.  I guess I was willing to date a guy with kids if they were older, like over the age of 10 but really I preferred men sans the baggage.  Of course I never thought of my child as baggage, but other people’s kids are.

Before moving to Colorado and having a kid, I was engaged to a man with two girls, ages 5 and 9.  Great, loving kids no doubt but I couldn’t get used to scheduling my life around someone else’s children AND their mother.  This was B.C. (before child) and so I thought if I had a child of my own, I wouldn’t mind someone else’s kid if I liked the guy enough.

I wouldn’t mind someone else’s kid – probably not the best way to look at diving into a relationship with a father. I suppose as a mom I should have been more open to being with another parent but as a mom I know too much about it.  There are times when my daughter’s bratty attitude makes me want to drop her off at a street corner and leave her there.  There are times when she willfully ignores me until I’m screaming for her to do something like brush her teeth (as if at 9 years old it’s like the first time I’m asking her to brush her teeth).  There are times when I think if I didn’t have to get her from school I could meet my girlfriend (whose daughter is in college) at a yoga class or happy hour.  Then there’s the scheduling labyrinth with her dad – holidays, vacations, unforeseen circumstances… And just dealing with her dad when he’s being a boob and I can’t wait till she’s 18 and I never have to deal with him again (this is what I tell myself).

No way.  I’m an insider and know I couldn’t deal with all the above times two.  I probably don’t have enough love in my heart to love someone else’s kids.  There I said it.  Sometimes, I barely love my own kid.  But even when she’s being the biggest shit in the whole world, I still love her.  There are times she’s crying – like the time she spilled green vegetable smoothie all over my suede jacket and I viciously yelled at her and made her wipe off the goo – and it pains me to see her bawling.  If were a cartoon character steam would be coming out of my ears but I still feel an ache to see her so upset.

I don’t know if I would feel that ache for someone else’s child.  I think if you step into the role of step-parent you should have that ability.  It’s not fair to your partner and especially not fair to his child if you can’t.  If you look at your boyfriend’s child as he’s having a temper tantrum and only feel annoyed, it’s time to rethink the relationship.

Hence, I married a child-free man.  No finagling two ex’s schedules. No dealing with the drama of a baby mama.  No struggling another set of math homework.  You get the picture.

My daughter’s temper tantrums are fewer and farther between as she gets older which I am sure my husband appreciates.  My husband’s temper tantrums on the other hand…well, I can say in good conscience I don’t feel guilty for just being annoyed by them.

Mothers Day_3

My daughter’s angelic face is very deceiving

Confession #13

While I’ve noticed construction workers have gotten more polite the older I get, I can’t say the same for all male CEO’s I’ve worked with.  There may not be Canadian Club drinking or Lucky Strike smoking going on in the office, but Mad Men still exist in present day corporate America.

I was in Vegas at a business convention the first time one of my boss’s asked me to have sex (yes, he bluntly asked me “Are we gonna have sex or what?”) I was stunned, disgusted and at the same time not surprised.  I say stunned because it hit me like a bebe gun but deep down not surprised because he creeped me out on a previous business trip by checking out my body just before going into the hotel pool.  When I told him no, he flatly asked “why not?” as if he asked me to type a letter for him and I refused.  I told him the obvious – you’re married, I have a boyfriend, you’re my boss.  I didn’t tell him the rest of my thoughts – you’re 20 years older than me and you’re gross.  Like a lion pursuing his prey, he didn’t give up easily.  He tried a different tactic though – I had left my briefcase with him earlier and so I should go up to his room to get it (and no, I wasn’t doing any work later that night).  I told him I could get it in the morning and called it a night.

I didn’t tell his wife and there was no one to report him to – he was the CEO.  I didn’t get fired so I was just stuck with living the cliche what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. He later moved on to a more willing victim – his secretary – who as a single mom of 3 suddenly became the owner of a new Cadillac and the winner of a trip to Hawaii.  My only redress is the IRS investigated him for tax fraud and sentenced him to federal prison.  That’ll do me.


More than ten years later,  I took a job as an assistant to a CEO.  No longer a hot young thang in my 30’s, the idea of my boss having a case of the touchy-feelys didn’t cross my mind.  Even his wife interviewed me which I assumed was more to assess my not a sexy blonde in her 20’s attributes.  I was a safe bet.

While not as blunt (at first) as the previous perv, his arrogance was equally overwhelming. My duties included organizing office supplies in storage closets and on the occasions he joined me to go over the inventory, I sensed all was not right in the state of office-dom. Slight inappropriate touching happened – and I tried to pretend it was not an overture to all out creepiness.  I am disappointed in myself that I questioned my own intuition.  I had plans to leave the job but didn’t want to lose it before I was ready.  I finally did quit and on that day he offered to take me to lunch – I assumed a public place was safe.  But words cannot be seen and when he asked to kiss me, it reaffirmed my decision to leave (I said no, by the way).

I feel like I was thrown into a time machine and ended up the 1950’s after my experiences.  These two bozos know how they are supposed to behave – they are just too arrogant to care.  And while both are married and know it’s wrong, they just want to push the boundaries like rebellious teenage boys.  Maybe they’re bored, maybe they have an over the top sense of entitlement – I do know they have absolutely no respect for women.


5 Life Lessons on Growing Older

Aaaaah, the list of blog-worthy rocks of wisdom grows as the weeks pass and I become even wiser.  I’m really trying my best to impart my wisdom on the younger generation of the world so they know what they’re in for.

  1. Your workout pants will become your eating pants.  You know how your stretchy yoga pants let you do a downward facing dog without cutting off circulation in your belly?  They also let you eat more turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving.  Eventually, you will host dinner parties wearing your sweat pants.  In fact, you should just tell your middle aged friends not to bother getting dressed up when they come to your house for dinner – they might as well show up in their pajamas.  You’ll all be more comfortable and able to eat more.
obese woman trying to close the buttons of her jeans
Don’t bother with this – wear sweat pants to dinner

2.  If you’re a single mom and none of the other moms at your kid’s school or daycare want to be your friend, it’s because they’re afraid their husbands will want to sleep with you.  When I first put my daughter into preschool, I noticed a camaraderie among the other moms that was not extended to me.  I was used to people not liking me from elementary school and summer camp so I figured it was my personality.  Then one year when I was supposed to go back to my home state to visit friends and family, I had a hard time getting one of my married girlfriends to let me stay at their house.  I felt horrible.  My aunt informed me they were worried about allowing a single woman to sleep over because their husbands might want to sneak into the guest bedroom at night.  I was stunned.  I applied this knowledge to the married moms club at preschool.  It wasn’t me! It was their own insecurities!  At least that is what I told myself.

3.  It’s REALLY hard to give head with cotton mouth.  You’d think I would have learned this years ago since I’ve been smoking weed since high school.  Maybe I did know it back then but just forgot because I was stoned.  Anyway, with the strong edibles in Colorado, it is nearly impossible to give good head when you are practically tripping on weed.  You really can’t do much with your mouth when you lack saliva.  Yes, keep a glass of water nearby, but it’s honestly not gonna do much good.

4.  You know you have a really good friend when you can pee in his or her house with the door open.  I’m not saying you have to have full on deep conversations while the other person is standing in the doorway and you’re on the toilet, but you love talking to each other so much that you keep the door open so you don’t have any interruptions.  Going to the bathroom should not be a barrier to good conversation.  At least not with a bestie.


5.  Wine is very important. You’re thinking, I already know this.  Yea, but as you get older you might be in a restaurant drinking your wine and realize..hmmm… I’m going to be driving and I’m getting buzzed.  I really want to finish this glass but I don’t want to get into an accident or worse still, get a DUI.  In addition, this glass of wine just cost me as much as an entire bottle in a liquor store.  It’s at that moment you are about to ask the waitress for a to-go cup for your wine.  You’d do it for your coffee.  It makes total sense.  Then you realize that might seem weird and you leave the restaurant or bar, glancing longingly at the glass on the table still containing the ruby red goodness (or golden glow if you like white).  I’m not there yet, but there will be a day when I will have the chutzpah to ask for the to-go wine cup.  Like how my Jewish grandmother stashed condiments in her purse before leaving a restaurant.

I do hope you have gained insight into life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness from my rocks of wisdom.  By the way, I decided to not title this post Confession #13 because according to search engine gurus, a headline with the words life lessons gets more views.