Confession #16

It’s that time of hour again…more rocks of wisdom rolling over the hill. I will point out some tell-tale signs that you aren’t outrunning the aging process (hey, just being an honest friend). Of course, I will also provide you with up to the minute scientific facts on how you are or should be dealing with situations you’ll face in mid-life.

You’re welcome.

1. You can tell how old a person is by how he or she walks down an icy driveway. While my 9 year old daughter runs and slides down icy driveways and as I attempt my Jewish helicopter parenting yelling “slow down, you’ll fall and break your head open!,” I’m unable to catch up to her because I’m too scared of breaking my hip. 20 somethings walk casually in normal speed. 30 somethings are bit more cautious but are willing to let a foot slip here and there. After 40, you will side step down an icy driveway while using your child as a crutch.

2. My husband is a bit of a jealous guy. I’m not supposed to talk about previous sexual experiences with him and he certainly does not want to meet anyone I’ve ever had sex with. However, I got married after the age of 40 and Denver is a small world. If you’re anything like me and count it as a miracle that you haven’t had an HPV infection, it’s inevitable you’re significant other is going to look at someone who’s had sex with you.

3. If you’re under 30 you probably have not seen women with bushy pubes. The linoleum floor look started in the late 80’s. Maybe it’s connected to the big hair bands going out of fashion. But I suspect one asshole lady shaved it all off and ruined it for the rest of us. If you’re nostalgic for the carefree days when you could donate your frizz to Locks of Love, you’re middle aged.

4. Another tell-tale sign you’re getting older is you’ve given up on being a sugarbaby and now you’re an aspiring housewife. There is no shame in this. We are still feminists like back in college. We’ve just worked long enough to know working sucks.

5. I will end on an upbeat note. No matter how old you get, EVERY time you bend over, your husband will simulate doggie style. You’re Pavlov.

I know you are waiting with bated breath for my next set of introspective and absolutely scientifically proven rocks of wisdom. But first I need a glass of wine and a nap.

Confession #15 – This Trump Shit is Serious

As you can see I added a sub-headline to my blog post.  That means I’m serious about something.  Like most other sane people I get it when they tell me if Trump becomes president, they’re moving to Canada. But this isn’t about how racist, sexist or xenophobic he is or how, in my expert opinion, he has narcissistic personality disorder.  This is way more personal.

Now that my daughter is 9 years old, I though it would be great to give her a civics lesson with a real-time presidential election brewing. A year ago when the presidential hopefuls started coming forward, I encouraged her to watch the news to see some of the discourse and learn about primaries and campaigning.

Trump has risen to the top because of supporters who are sick of the establishment. Unfortunately, they also revel in name calling and fear mongering and get off on fist fights and screaming matches.  I read an article that says Trump supporters are authoritarians – people that like to follow leaders like Hitler.  I believe that to be true, but I also believe they are into violence.  There were many scuffles and several bloodied protestors at Trump rallies – this shit is exciting.  They’re bored.  Going to a rally to get into or see a brawl is something else to do besides meth.

Trump or meth

With the t.v. on news programs and the NPR I listen to on the radio in the car, my daughter has gotten an earful of  insults, name calling and discussions about issues not exactly presidential such as Trump bragging about his HUGE hands.  “Mommy, why does it matter if he has huge hands?”  Well, my dear, dick measuring was not an issue I was expecting to hear in a political debate.

Trump isn’t the only perpetrator of vicious attacks on issues that really don’t matter, such as how their wives look, but he is an instigator in 99.9% of them (I’ve done high level statistical calculations on this).  So it’s really hard to tell my daughter these are the people we should look up to – these are our prospective leaders based on their integrity, respect for others and concern for the citizens of this country.  OK, maybe some of you are snickering now since most politicians have proven the opposite of those traits but my daughter is 9 and I’m trying to show her how things are SUPPOSED to be.

I’m embarrassed by these fake adults behaving like kids on the playground.  I’ll have to tell her it’s like when one of the boys at school calls her Jackie McFartsAlot.  Our political candidates have sunk to new lows.

On the other hand, if I emphasize it enough, it is a good lesson on how NOT to conduct yourself during an election as a candidate.  Plus, I was able to contrast the Republican debates with the Democratic ones so she could see respectful dialogues are possible.  In the first few debates, Democrats were able to keep their discussions civil and focused on important issues such as the economy, race relations and job creation.  At least I can point out to her the Democrats stuck to the issues that matter while the Republicans acted like a bunch of boxers talking smack.

Confession #14

A few years ago at a 4th of July party when I was still single, I met a guy who looked relatively cute and who was the only guy there without a wedding ring. After being single for more than 40 years (this includes my childhood) I could scope out guys like a ninja. We stood next to each other admiring Independence Day chalk art and struck up a conversation.  He asked if I had any kids and I told him yes and she with with her dad for the weekend (including the weekend part so he understood it was a parenting time arrangement). He told me his three kids, ages 2, 4 and 6 were with their mom.  I said how nice and politely excused myself to use the bathroom.  And to never talk to him again.

I’ve heard of single moms who only want to date single dads.  I am not part of that crowd.  It may seem like a double standard, but I was never a big fan of dating guys with kids.  Both before having my child and especially after.  I guess I was willing to date a guy with kids if they were older, like over the age of 10 but really I preferred men sans the baggage.  Of course I never thought of my child as baggage, but other people’s kids are.

Before moving to Colorado and having a kid, I was engaged to a man with two girls, ages 5 and 9.  Great, loving kids no doubt but I couldn’t get used to scheduling my life around someone else’s children AND their mother.  This was B.C. (before child) and so I thought if I had a child of my own, I wouldn’t mind someone else’s kid if I liked the guy enough.

I wouldn’t mind someone else’s kid – probably not the best way to look at diving into a relationship with a father. I suppose as a mom I should have been more open to being with another parent but as a mom I know too much about it.  There are times when my daughter’s bratty attitude makes me want to drop her off at a street corner and leave her there.  There are times when she willfully ignores me until I’m screaming for her to do something like brush her teeth (as if at 9 years old it’s like the first time I’m asking her to brush her teeth).  There are times when I think if I didn’t have to get her from school I could meet my girlfriend (whose daughter is in college) at a yoga class or happy hour.  Then there’s the scheduling labyrinth with her dad – holidays, vacations, unforeseen circumstances… And just dealing with her dad when he’s being a boob and I can’t wait till she’s 18 and I never have to deal with him again (this is what I tell myself).

No way.  I’m an insider and know I couldn’t deal with all the above times two.  I probably don’t have enough love in my heart to love someone else’s kids.  There I said it.  Sometimes, I barely love my own kid.  But even when she’s being the biggest shit in the whole world, I still love her.  There are times she’s crying – like the time she spilled green vegetable smoothie all over my suede jacket and I viciously yelled at her and made her wipe off the goo – and it pains me to see her bawling.  If were a cartoon character steam would be coming out of my ears but I still feel an ache to see her so upset.

I don’t know if I would feel that ache for someone else’s child.  I think if you step into the role of step-parent you should have that ability.  It’s not fair to your partner and especially not fair to his child if you can’t.  If you look at your boyfriend’s child as he’s having a temper tantrum and only feel annoyed, it’s time to rethink the relationship.

Hence, I married a child-free man.  No finagling two ex’s schedules. No dealing with the drama of a baby mama.  No struggling another set of math homework.  You get the picture.

My daughter’s temper tantrums are fewer and farther between as she gets older which I am sure my husband appreciates.  My husband’s temper tantrums on the other hand…well, I can say in good conscience I don’t feel guilty for just being annoyed by them.

Mothers Day_3

My daughter’s angelic face is very deceiving