Confession #12

Working with all women is like working in a passive aggressive mental institution.  I am a feminist and I shouldn’t say things like that but I have to be honest.  After all, this is a blog.  Mean Girls is not just a movie about high school bullies.  Turns out, it’s also a real life drama played out in offices.

I’ll give you an example.  I worked in a small office a couple years ago with only 4 other women.  Typically we would wash our own dishes in the little kitchen in the back.  Sometimes though, I would leave a fork or bowl in the sink and someone else would wash it.  Other times, a co-worker would leave her dish in the sink and I would wash it.  It was one of those courteous things you do.

One day, I left a single spoon in the sink after eating a yogurt.  I can’t remember what I  ate for breakfast today but I remember from 2 years ago what I ate with that spoon, that is how much of an impact this had on me.  I went upstairs to do some filing and when I came back downstairs I found that spoon on a paper towel sitting on my desk with a sticky note saying “wash me” and a picture of a happy face.  Rather than do the I’ll get it etiquette, she took time out from her busy work schedule to passively and aggressively take the spoon out of the sink, rip off a paper towel (no regard for the environment) and waste a sticky note and draw a fucking happy face.

Her other option was to tell me to my face to wash the damn spoon. I would have respected her much more had she done that.


The psycho drama with women-only offices is mind boggling. I find women are more judgmental of the women they work with than the men and there is undoubtedly going to be talking behind people’s backs with an all female office.  Having men in an office seems to neutralize the bitchiness. I’m not saying all men are a joy to work with and all women are catty bitches.  It’s just a more intense, cliquey and even antagonistic atmosphere when it’s only women.

I wish I could say it’s mostly younger women, say in their 20’s that participate in that type of high school behavior. But I would be lying and I already said I won’t do that. It reaches through the spectrum of all ages.  I wish I knew why.  In this case, I can only tell you what I observe – I have not figured out the cause.

I definitely prefer to work in offices where there is at least one man around to counterbalance the imbalance of estrogen filled workplaces.  Although I have to say, I pretty much hate working in an office altogether – to me their like zoos or prisons with cubicles instead of cages.  But that’s a completely different issue.  My point is, it seems like having a man around can quell the most abrasive or scheming of women.  Perhaps, it gives them an opportunity to innocently flirt with someone which calms them.  There is a more playful feeling in the air with a male co-worker in the wings.

I’m also one of those people that wants to be able to hash out a problem face to face.  The passive aggressive types try to sabotage or spread rumors.  They may even try to get others not to like you.

My goal is to avoid the problem by not working in an office at all.   I’m one of those people who thinks we all should treat others respectfully at work and leave your crappy attitude at home.  Take it out on your husband or kids.  (Just kidding sort of).






Confession #11

While driving home from a party one night, my husband asked me if I was happy with our relationship (we’re newlyweds so we still ask about this from time to time).  I said yes and asked him the same question.  He replied, “Yes, I’m just not used to all the belching, farting and drama.”  I thought that would make a really honest anniversary card.

To my darling wife,

You are the light of my life.  I love you so much and I’m so happy we are married. I’m just not used to all the belching, farting and drama.


Your dearest husband.

It kind of threw me though, that he thought there was a lot of drama attached to being with me and my daughter.  After 8 of years of being a mom, the level of drama was normal for me.  I wouldn’t even call it drama  – it was just a steady level of anxiety.  For him, living with us is like a rollercoaster ride.  And sometimes it’s like a nauseating rollercoaster ride.

Then I thought about it more and realized, here is this guy (a veteran in the air force for more than 20 years no less) who was single for years, a bachelor, living in a nice neat house on his own.  The first night I went to his house, I noticed how there were no dishes left in the sink, his two lava lamps were equidistant from each other on his living room end table and he had hand towels in the bathroom that I knew were just for show.  A fun night for him was staying home and watching The Hangover on DVD for the 20th time.  His life alone was more like a tram ride than a rollercoaster.

For him the house is disheveled, there’s a million things on the schedule and I bet he never thought it would be so stressful to get a child to brush her teeth.  My normalcy is his insanity.  Maybe we should have moved in on a part-time basis at first so he could  acclimate to the whirlwind of a mom/daughter combo.

I think we’re rubbing off on him.  He isn’t a stickler about making the bed anymore.  And he’s influencing me – I try to remember to pick up my jeans off the bedroom floor.  Then again, is it worth it to put them away  because maybe I’ll wear them again tomorrow.


Above is my husband not realizing what he was getting himself into.



Confession #10

I woke up today thinking I’m going to be 46 in a few months.  That means I’ll be 50 in four years and a few months.  I think it was Oprah Winfrey who said something about life starting at 50 or it’s great to turn 50 or you are finally your true self at 50.  I know it sounds life affirming but I think that outlook usually comes when you have more money than you can spend in what’s left of your lifetime.

Oprah and so many others have shared their pearls of wisdom with the world because they care so much about others.  I, too, care about people, and also feel I have much to share about reaching middle age and have prepared a list.   Let’s call these my rocks of wisdom (this is the shit you’ll want to pass onto your grandchildren):

Rock #1.  A breast pillow may be in my (and your) future

This revolutionary device prevents and reduces cleavage wrinkles. Apparently as we age, the wrinkles will creep further south and women will need a specialized pillow between their bosoms while sleeping.  Otherwise bye-bye low cut shirts and push up bras.  Hello turtlenecks and grandma bras.

As a teenager, I couldn’t wait to develop enough to show off my cleavage.  Up until now people have been happy to see it.  I’ve been contemplating entering a wet t-shirt contest in the near future while men still want to see my boobs.  In a few years, they’ll want me to put them away.


Rock #2.  If a man won’t eat pussy, he’s useless (unless he’s gay and then I get it)

I think this is self-explanatory.  But because it is so important, I will emphasize it.  He is not worth your time, because mostly likely if he will not eat your pussy he IS gay and then you’ll be disappointed and you can’t really be mad at a guy for being gay.

Rock #3.  I need to be able to fart freely

This is part of a discussion you should have with your significant other because if he is uptight about it, then you will be incredibly uncomfortable for the rest of your life.  I try to get this conversation out of the way early in a relationship.  Pretty much any time I end of horizontal I will pass gas a few times.  It’s best to push it out before sex.  Just apologize if you need to at first while you both chuckle.  Eventually, you’ll stop apologizing and just laugh it off together.  I absolutely fart more in my 40’s than I did in my 20’s and 30’s and I’m sure the frequency will escalate after 50.


My daughter drew the above diagram.

Rock #4.  Keep a diaper bag in your car

Yes, the kids are at least potty trained by now.  The diaper bag is for me.  For those fun girls nights out when you are cracking jokes and laughing uncontrollably, severe leakage may occur.  A hacking cough, repetitious sneezing and jumping around a lot may cause similar results.

Rock #5. Be grateful for the little things in life you take for granted that are really huge

I’m not really good at being sentimental about the little things in life like fresh baked muffins or seeing a field of flowers so for me this means being grateful for the very few years left of non-painful sex and natural lubrication.  It’s something we take for granted until the inevitable Mojave desert.

Rock #6. Heat frozen mashed potatoes before everything else in your tv dinner

I’m over 40 so I still say tv dinner. It’s true that this rock of wisdom is not related to aging but I feel very strongly about it.  It’s an awful feeling to bite into ice particles when you’re excited to eat delicious processed mashed potatoes.


I will post more rocks of wisdom when I remember them.