Confession #16

It’s that time of hour again…more rocks of wisdom rolling over the hill. I will point out some tell-tale signs that you aren’t outrunning the aging process (hey, just being an honest friend). Of course, I will also provide you with up to the minute scientific facts on how you are or should be dealing with situations you’ll face in mid-life.

You’re welcome.

1. You can tell how old a person is by how he or she walks down an icy driveway. While my 9 year old daughter runs and slides down icy driveways and as I attempt my Jewish helicopter parenting yelling “slow down, you’ll fall and break your head open!,” I’m unable to catch up to her because I’m too scared of breaking my hip. 20 somethings walk casually in normal speed. 30 somethings are bit more cautious but are willing to let a foot slip here and there. After 40, you will side step down an icy driveway while using your child as a crutch.

2. My husband is a bit of a jealous guy. I’m not supposed to talk about previous sexual experiences with him and he certainly does not want to meet anyone I’ve ever had sex with. However, I got married after the age of 40 and Denver is a small world. If you’re anything like me and count it as a miracle that you haven’t had an HPV infection, it’s inevitable you’re significant other is going to look at someone who’s had sex with you.

3. If you’re under 30 you probably have not seen women with bushy pubes. The linoleum floor look started in the late 80’s. Maybe it’s connected to the big hair bands going out of fashion. But I suspect one asshole lady shaved it all off and ruined it for the rest of us. If you’re nostalgic for the carefree days when you could donate your frizz to Locks of Love, you’re middle aged.

4. Another tell-tale sign you’re getting older is you’ve given up on being a sugarbaby and now you’re an aspiring housewife. There is no shame in this. We are still feminists like back in college. We’ve just worked long enough to know working sucks.

5. I will end on an upbeat note. No matter how old you get, EVERY time you bend over, your husband will simulate doggie style. You’re Pavlov.

I know you are waiting with bated breath for my next set of introspective and absolutely scientifically proven rocks of wisdom. But first I need a glass of wine and a nap.

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