5 Life Lessons on Growing Older

Aaaaah, the list of blog-worthy rocks of wisdom grows as the weeks pass and I become even wiser.  I’m really trying my best to impart my wisdom on the younger generation of the world so they know what they’re in for.

  1. Your workout pants will become your eating pants.  You know how your stretchy yoga pants let you do a downward facing dog without cutting off circulation in your belly?  They also let you eat more turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving.  Eventually, you will host dinner parties wearing your sweat pants.  In fact, you should just tell your middle aged friends not to bother getting dressed up when they come to your house for dinner – they might as well show up in their pajamas.  You’ll all be more comfortable and able to eat more.
obese woman trying to close the buttons of her jeans
Don’t bother with this – wear sweat pants to dinner

2.  If you’re a single mom and none of the other moms at your kid’s school or daycare want to be your friend, it’s because they’re afraid their husbands will want to sleep with you.  When I first put my daughter into preschool, I noticed a camaraderie among the other moms that was not extended to me.  I was used to people not liking me from elementary school and summer camp so I figured it was my personality.  Then one year when I was supposed to go back to my home state to visit friends and family, I had a hard time getting one of my married girlfriends to let me stay at their house.  I felt horrible.  My aunt informed me they were worried about allowing a single woman to sleep over because their husbands might want to sneak into the guest bedroom at night.  I was stunned.  I applied this knowledge to the married moms club at preschool.  It wasn’t me! It was their own insecurities!  At least that is what I told myself.

3.  It’s REALLY hard to give head with cotton mouth.  You’d think I would have learned this years ago since I’ve been smoking weed since high school.  Maybe I did know it back then but just forgot because I was stoned.  Anyway, with the strong edibles in Colorado, it is nearly impossible to give good head when you are practically tripping on weed.  You really can’t do much with your mouth when you lack saliva.  Yes, keep a glass of water nearby, but it’s honestly not gonna do much good.

4.  You know you have a really good friend when you can pee in his or her house with the door open.  I’m not saying you have to have full on deep conversations while the other person is standing in the doorway and you’re on the toilet, but you love talking to each other so much that you keep the door open so you don’t have any interruptions.  Going to the bathroom should not be a barrier to good conversation.  At least not with a bestie.

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5.  Wine is very important. You’re thinking, I already know this.  Yea, but as you get older you might be in a restaurant drinking your wine and realize..hmmm… I’m going to be driving and I’m getting buzzed.  I really want to finish this glass but I don’t want to get into an accident or worse still, get a DUI.  In addition, this glass of wine just cost me as much as an entire bottle in a liquor store.  It’s at that moment you are about to ask the waitress for a to-go cup for your wine.  You’d do it for your coffee.  It makes total sense.  Then you realize that might seem weird and you leave the restaurant or bar, glancing longingly at the glass on the table still containing the ruby red goodness (or golden glow if you like white).  I’m not there yet, but there will be a day when I will have the chutzpah to ask for the to-go wine cup.  Like how my Jewish grandmother stashed condiments in her purse before leaving a restaurant.

I do hope you have gained insight into life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness from my rocks of wisdom.  By the way, I decided to not title this post Confession #13 because according to search engine gurus, a headline with the words life lessons gets more views.

 

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