Confession #10

I woke up today thinking I’m going to be 46 in a few months.  That means I’ll be 50 in four years and a few months.  I think it was Oprah Winfrey who said something about life starting at 50 or it’s great to turn 50 or you are finally your true self at 50.  I know it sounds life affirming but I think that outlook usually comes when you have more money than you can spend in what’s left of your lifetime.

Oprah and so many others have shared their pearls of wisdom with the world because they care so much about others.  I, too, care about people, and also feel I have much to share about reaching middle age and have prepared a list.   Let’s call these my rocks of wisdom (this is the shit you’ll want to pass onto your grandchildren):

Rock #1.  A breast pillow may be in my (and your) future

This revolutionary device prevents and reduces cleavage wrinkles. Apparently as we age, the wrinkles will creep further south and women will need a specialized pillow between their bosoms while sleeping.  Otherwise bye-bye low cut shirts and push up bras.  Hello turtlenecks and grandma bras.

As a teenager, I couldn’t wait to develop enough to show off my cleavage.  Up until now people have been happy to see it.  I’ve been contemplating entering a wet t-shirt contest in the near future while men still want to see my boobs.  In a few years, they’ll want me to put them away.

Screen-Shot-2014-02-09-at-10.08.02-AM

Rock #2.  If a man won’t eat pussy, he’s useless (unless he’s gay and then I get it)

I think this is self-explanatory.  But because it is so important, I will emphasize it.  He is not worth your time, because mostly likely if he will not eat your pussy he IS gay and then you’ll be disappointed and you can’t really be mad at a guy for being gay.

Rock #3.  I need to be able to fart freely

This is part of a discussion you should have with your significant other because if he is uptight about it, then you will be incredibly uncomfortable for the rest of your life.  I try to get this conversation out of the way early in a relationship.  Pretty much any time I end of horizontal I will pass gas a few times.  It’s best to push it out before sex.  Just apologize if you need to at first while you both chuckle.  Eventually, you’ll stop apologizing and just laugh it off together.  I absolutely fart more in my 40’s than I did in my 20’s and 30’s and I’m sure the frequency will escalate after 50.

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My daughter drew the above diagram.

Rock #4.  Keep a diaper bag in your car

Yes, the kids are at least potty trained by now.  The diaper bag is for me.  For those fun girls nights out when you are cracking jokes and laughing uncontrollably, severe leakage may occur.  A hacking cough, repetitious sneezing and jumping around a lot may cause similar results.

Rock #5. Be grateful for the little things in life you take for granted that are really huge

I’m not really good at being sentimental about the little things in life like fresh baked muffins or seeing a field of flowers so for me this means being grateful for the very few years left of non-painful sex and natural lubrication.  It’s something we take for granted until the inevitable Mojave desert.

Rock #6. Heat frozen mashed potatoes before everything else in your tv dinner

I’m over 40 so I still say tv dinner. It’s true that this rock of wisdom is not related to aging but I feel very strongly about it.  It’s an awful feeling to bite into ice particles when you’re excited to eat delicious processed mashed potatoes.

 

I will post more rocks of wisdom when I remember them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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